Stronger.

I know I am getting stronger.

I write today from the library at my community college campus. This semester has been rough for me; organization, the commute, grieving. Somehow I am halfway through it, though. Not somehow. God has been guiding me through the past few months, as I have asked him to help me through this crazy time.

I can only rebuild one moment at a time, and I think i'm not doing that bad, considering everything. My goal this month is to get organized. So far, my craft area at my Brothers house is looking much better. The living room where I SLEEP, and the small bathroom downstairs is completely organized.

The fact that I am even organizing again is a sign of healing.

As a side note, my Husband(legally since I can't call him an ex yet) has decided to go back to school as well.

At the same campus I attend.


Why? I don't know, really. What I do know is that I have a long road ahead, but I am doing ok.

Grand Floral Parade, 2011

I haven't been to a parade in YEARS.

I thought this year would be a good time to sit back on a downtown Portland curb with family and good friends and junk food galore.

Keep in mind, the floats are made with FLOWERS, people!

Etsy Craft Party 2011....and depressing stuff too!

I'm going this year, and my handmade goodies will be in some of the gift bags, which is exciting!

In divorce news, we had a quick chat today. I can love him and hate him in the same conversation. I guess that's marriage in a nutshell. He shared with me a little about how he has been doing. I've been carrying him around in my heart and mind for the past few days. I miss him terribly. It makes me wonder if we'll ever at least be friends.

 I think that may be what hurts the most. We were/are extremely close. He saw my ugly cries, my "one too many shots" resulting in him pulling over so I could hurl, he saw my transition from relaxed hair to natural(both times), my weight loss/gain/loss and ultimately gain again. He saw me cry hard and laugh hard. He saw me in and out of the hospital. I saw him too. I saw him cry. I heard his laugh that I love. I was there when his Stepdad passed, when his ex would never let us see the kids, her yelling and screaming at us with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, and a 5th newborn child dangling from her teet. I saw him rise from the crappy job he was at when we met, to the great supervisor/trainer he is today. I lost my friend, more than anything. More than the loss of 3 stepkids. More than the future child that we tried to have but never did.

Nope, I lost my best friend too.

One step forward...

I registered for school today. This summer i'll be taking 2 courses. Small start, huge for me though.

In other news, tomorrow I turn 32 and this year I think i'd like it to be over already. Not really into it this year, but i'm blessed to be here.

Hello again, blog.

I've been dipping in and out of blogland lately, as a reader not a participant. Ya know how it is when you wanna read blogs but don't to write your own? That's been me lately.
I'm hoping to blog at least weekly, though. We'll see.

Hmm, updates........life is good. Most of the emotional dust has cleared and i'm well on the way to healing.

I've found a church to attend in the Portland area. I love it. Not only do I feel comfortable, but the congregation is diverse in culture, and age, and the pastor has been teaching at that church for over 30 years! Anyway, I love it.

My crafting/painting - What started out as a hobby is now actually kinda maybe sorta turning into a teeny tiny small business..? (Can you tell how scared I am?)  I am still selling on Etsy, as well as off. I've even sold some of my paintings! I'm gearing up now for summer fairs and summer school as well. I think, at almost 32, i've finally found my career calling. I denied that my calling was kids for a long time. Kids sneeze without covering their mouths, they smack their food, fart in public and are close-talkers. But who am I kidding? I love them. All.
 Sigh...
 I come from a long line of teachers and it's in my blood. It's why every time I jumped back into school, I never finished. I was just going because I knew I had to, not for a reason really. Now, I can barely contain myself. I once heard that when you find your passion/calling, you can actually visualize yourself living out the dream, not necessarily trudging through the work to get there. It's like the work doesn't matter because you just want to get to the end goal. My therapist actually said she thinks I should explore being a child therapist.
Her exact words, "Your bachelor's will be hard, yes. Your masters? Meh, just give the professors what they want".

I love her.

I think about where I was 3 months ago, 2 months ago, even 1 month ago. Divorce is devastating. You feel there is no future, where there once was one. Truth is, by the time you get divorced, you realize that future you thought you were going to have, was probably denial. I shoved red flags under the carpet, powered through. I thought for sure that everything could be "fixed". At the time, I couldn't see how out of control everything was and I thought I could fix it. All. By myself.

Ha!

Thankful for - Family! My Dad,Elijah, Mom, Christopher, my cousins, my strong uncles and loving aunts.

My FRIENDS!!!

Also, one of my dear friends is moving back to Portland and I am so excited.

Yes, I still look at my future and fear the unknown. I still think about him daily. I think about the kids, the dogs, my in-law family.

But, it's getting easier every day.

I think i'm coming back.

I'm.....honored.

My handmade magnets are now being featured at Coffee's On, a little coffee shop in a major towncenter in Gresham.

The owner was very nice, and is even going to put them up by the register, a major selling spot!

I feel so blessed.

Portland is too small

Running into him on a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon where the two of you used to hang out - devastating.

On the flip side.....

The past couple weeks have been exhausting and exciting.

Some lowlights :
-We've been apart for almost 8 weeks now. There are days I can barely function, then days when I am fine. Overall, I know without a doubt, we are not meant to be together. The truth and weight of it is still unbearable, even though I know it's for the better for me........
-He called and told me he went on a date. A date. Read above.............it hasn't even been 8 weeks. He called me last week to tell me that. I was strong, but let him know exactly how that made me feel. Even though we are divorcing, legally we are married. We aren't even LEGALLY SEPARATED, just physically for now. I live over here, he lives over there. And still I find it stunning, shocking and devastating that he has gone on a date. We were together for 6 short years, but shared so so much.  Even in his absence, he is showing that he is not the one for me.
And that hurts.

Highlights :
-Raphael Saadiq last week was amaaaazing. Can't wait for Stone Rollin' to come out.

- Mos Def on Saturday night was ......wow......AWESOME. His lyrics....ahh...his style...oooh...his charm and Brooklyn swagger....yum..
-Whew, ok. Also my crafts are selling super slowly but consistently. I seem to have one good bite a week, and for that i'm so grateful.
-God is showing me sign after sign after sign. I'm blessed to have my family and friends supporting me.

1-2-3 punch

You nailed it for me, Adele

YouTube - Adele - Rolling In The Deep

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark,


Finally, I can see you crystal clear,
Go ahead and sell me out and a I'll lay your ship bare,
See how I'll leave with every piece of you,
Don't underestimate the things that I will do,


There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark,


The scars of your love remind me of us,
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all,
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,
I can't help feeling,


We could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
Rolling in the deep,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside of your hand,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
And you played it to the beat,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),


Baby, I have no story to be told,
But I've heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn,
Think of me in the depths of your despair,
Make a home down there as mine sure won't be shared,


The scars of your love remind me of us,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
I can't help feeling,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),


We could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
Rolling in the deep,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside of your hands,


[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/rolling-in-the-deep-lyrics-adele.html ]


(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
And you played it to the beat,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),


Could have had it all,
Rolling in the deep,
You had my heart inside of your hands,
But you played it with a beating,


Throw your soul through every open door,
Count your blessings to find what you look for,
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold,
You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you've sown,


(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
We could have had it all,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
We could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
It all, it all, it all,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),


We could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
Rolling in the deep,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside of your hands,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
And you played it to the beat,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),


Could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
Rolling in the deep,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside of your hands,


But you played it,
You played it,
You played it,
You played it to the beat.

Read more: ADELE - ROLLING IN THE DEEP LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/rolling-in-the-deep-lyrics-adele.html#ixzz1JBZNjO2Y
Copied from MetroLyrics.com

Processing.....Downloading......

Today during my errand running, I ran into....

My sister in law. His older brother's wife. The brother who has the closest relationship with their Mother. 

Anyway, we saw each other and hugged. She asked, "Whatcha doin' over here in this area?"

Me, "I live here"

Her, "Oh, you guys moved over here?"

Me, "...........um, no. I live here. With family"

Her, "...................."

Me, " You know......."

Her, " Know what?"

Me, ".............L asked for a divorce"

Her, "..................I.............huh? Are you serious??"

Me, "......Oh. He hasn't...........told....his family?"

Her, still processing, ".......No".

Me, "......Oh".

Silence.                Silence.                 Silence.                 Silence.

Ok, it was like not even 4 seconds, but it felt beYOND uncomfortable.

Me, stupidly fumbling for words and looking for any type of out, "I heard you were pregnant. Congratulations! When we moved out, we had alot of baby clothes from when we were going to adopt. Then foster. Anyway, tons of stuff coming your way.....So he should be bringing those by any day now"

Her, still processing....."......................Thanks"

Me, ".......Ok. Take care. Bye".

Ugh.

I walked to my car and drove away humiliated, embarrassed, sad. UGH.

Now I know why people relocate when relationships end. I mean, Portland is not a tiny country town, but it's not L.A. either. In this city, you WILL run into your past constantly. 

How do people do this? How am I gonna do this?

Sigh.....

Something good

I made a sale today! A non-friend or family member! These cuties will be shipping out shortly........

God gave me a big smile today.

My pic of the week

There is a cubby under the stairs (ha) at my bro's place. Elijah is thrilled because he can hide out in there. In fact, he's put tons of blankets and pillows in there. I've actually gone in there to lay down. I feel like a hobbit.

Anyway, the other day I caught him reading one of the books I brought over....

The book is open, the Nintendo DS is closed. Picworthy!

Don't you love when kids enjoy something YOU did as a child? Thank you Shel Silverstein!

Roller Coaster

The pain comes in waves. It never really goes away, it more subsides so you can shower, go to the store, mildly entertain your nephew. The past few days, though, I have been a basketcase. I can't remember anything. ANYTHING. I was born and raised in Portland, yet I can't remember how to get to the mall, seriously. The emotions are clouding everything. This is why celebs can get over relationships so fast. They have drivers, they can shop it off, go to another country to decompress.
Honestly, I have a newfound respect for men/women who have gone through a divorce with kids. I literally have ran to cry at different parts of the house, so Elijah would not question my tears or try and console me. And that's just one nephew. I can't imagine having to continue to raise kids while going through such a sad season in life.

Yesterday, I went to bed at 8pm and slept for 13 hours. I actually woke up naturally today, not by the sound of my own tears.....
That was funny.....and true.

Today I went shopping with Nai. She works in retail and swears by shopping to cure pain.

Today, it worked. I bought some tops.

Thanks Amazon for some ridiculously low Miz Mooz boots and some Bearpaw boots (think Uggs, but half the price).

We had a good day, and I was sure I would be fine. I had to see him today, though. I used his van to bring the rest of my stuff, and today he came to pick it up. We hugged and kissed. No tears, but he looked into my eyes and said, " I know". Another long hug and I was  able to feel his rough cheek again. To smell him again. Cologne, mint gum and mechanic smell. That was my Husband. I know it's reeeaally corny, but you really do go through this type of crap...ugh.

No tears so far today, though.

Thanks to Elijah, I get to laugh once a day. Also, I just started watching Lost. I know, sorry Lost fans, I'M NEW TO THE GENIUS OF LOST. I've successfully gotten the entire family hooked on it. We are still on Season 1. I don't even care if the rest of the seasons suck, i'm in this for the long haul. I dream of this show at night. Every character is lovable, even the bad ones. I think I wanna be Kate. I mean, who doesn't? Seriously, this show rocks, has lay-ers, and is helping me through. In fantasyland,  I can't decide if my next husband will be Sawyer, Jack, Jin or Sayeed. If Sayeed clipped his nails and wore a ponytail, maybe i'd give him some play.

And another thing...

I am realizing, by the hour, the layers of it all.

So many layers.

I wanted to start my community college classes this coming Monday. There is absolutely no chance of that now. The thought of sitting for 6-8 hours and trying not to think of it all........

My brother made a good point. "God is giving you, YOU".

I'll spend the next few months discovering me, taking care of only me, for the first time in 31 years.

This ever-changing blog...

When I first started blogging, it was for our international adoption. That fell through. I stopped blogging, and started up again as we started considering domestic adoption. Then foster parenting. Now, as I sit in my Brother's living room, still in my pajamas, I realize we didn't fail at those things. We are great parents. We are loving, caring and smart. But God closed each and every one of those doors because He knew I would be sitting here today, still processing my Husband's request for a divorce. I guess this blog will just be about my life. Follow if you want, but right now a baby is the furthest thing from my mind.

It's not that he doesn't want to be married to me, it's that he doesn't want to be married. The phrase, "It's not you, it's me", has never been more true in this case. It's not that he doesn't want to be my Husband, it's that........he can't.

He. Cant.

I physically ache for what he's going through, and at the same time, am suffering because I am losing a Husband. I am actually grieving. I haven't felt this down since I lost my Grandma last July. The crying, the lethargy. I'm grieving for the marriage, but also grieving our future. Grieving us wrinkly and old, surrounded by grandkids, grieving our first house, our first child together.

But, looking back, it all makes sense. I hate to say it, but we were bound for divorce from the gate. He was young and codependent, and so was I. We were tired of being unloved so, we loved the hell out of each other. And if that weren't enough, he came with 3 beautiful kids, which fed my infertility and brought out a love I didn't know existed. Which fueled my desire to have a child of our own. Ugh, what a mess. In the meantime, we fought to love his kids for 6 years, as their own mother constantly ripped them from us. When she did decide to give them to us, they were dirty, full of bugs and lice, unloved. We'd hear stories of HORROR from them. Cops were called constantly, we reported her constantly. We hit walls constantly. We knocked down all of God's red flags, telling us to heal OURSELVES FIRST. These issues were so. Much. Bigger than what we as UNHEALED people could handle. We just fought like hell to stay together because we love each other so much. We still do, and always will. But we slowly crumbled. The weight of the issues + our foundation of sinking sand = where we are today. Completely apart, stripped, broken. His therapy has revealed what he has spent 27 years hiding. A horrible, highly dysfunctional childhood full of physical and mental abuse, trauma and torture. As pained as I am to be alone and without him, can you imagine what he is going through? He is literally being rebuilt.  His eyes are being opened and he can no longer hide.

It's why he told me he literally cannot be my husband.

It's DEEEEP. Deeper than what I can say on the blog.

What I am blessed for :

-My Mom, nephew, my brother, cousins, aunts/uncles, Keelan, Nai, Monica, Jamila. Our therapists. L's is awesome. We are so blessed for her. I'm blessed for mine, and even our marriage counselor, Dr. F.
-God closed the doors for us to have children. All those nights I cried, He knew it was for the best. And now, so do I.
-We never bought a house. We have debt, but no financial drama. Clean breaks as far as material possessions go.
-We never got custody of his kids. This is a tricky one, because their mom is an idiot. But the kids are well taken care of, courtesy of our tax dollars, the school system, L's child support, and her family who take care care of her 3 kids she had with L, plus the other 2 she had after him. Also, they didn't need to be ripped from the only home they knew, just to be in our failing one. And the healing L is doing, needs to be done alone. God blessed him by moving them to California to live with their stable Grandparents.
- Him and I love each other. Even as we finalized our decision verbally on Wednesday night, we laughed about a couple of things. We hugged and cried in each others arms in the hallway, for what felt like forever. I kid you not, as we stood there crying a song was playing in the kitchen. I'll post the song later. I don't even want to hear it now. He called me the next day, to check on me, knowing how much we miss each other, and how deep and profound that night was.

And still, knowing the facts..........i'm devastated.

It's over

and that's all I can type.

The Irony of Separation

The one to comfort you, is the one who is the root of the pain.

Like, this is totally awesome!

I stumbled upon a 24-year old television series that I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF.





Gee, I wonder why. I'm sure it has nothing to do with my current pre-midlife crisis. Anyway, I love this series. If it's new to you too, it's like Parenthood meets Scrubs. If it's old to you, then you know why I love it.

Ok, let's take the 80's factor out of this show first. Cuz........whew, visually it can be rough. The above picture is nothing compared to what this show throws at you. Season 1 started in 1987. No trickle down fashion from the 1970's WHATSOEVER. You see.....now, in 2011, we draw from the good nostalgia factor of the 80's - the music and the bright colors, the awesome cartoons and epic movies. I mean, really, we all thought we were living in a John Hughes film, because we were. Even little black girl me from the 80's wanted to be Uncle Buck's niece. I wanted to be Rudy Huxtable. I had Gem dolls, hi-tops with 2 tongues and 2 sets of laces. I had bushy eyebrows and wore my Mom's shoulder-padded clothes around the house. We look back on those days and they are warm and fuzzy. We forget how ugly the 80's was because we are now able to FILTER our 80's memories and mix it with our current 21st century life.

The key word there was "filter".



We've filtered such outfits like this...........hold on to your chair.....................






I recently watched this episode and I audibly gasped. Suddenly, my Mom's bedroom closet flooded back to me like a acid-washed tidal wave. Why in the hell were women dressing 50 lbs heavier?? Let's break this down for a second because i've had almost 3 seasons of this show in. This character's real name is Melanie Mayron. She's my fave on the show. She's an artist and the sound of her biological clock keeps her up at night. I have NO IDEA why she's my fave.....................
Anyway, she's got this great NY/PA accent, she is as cute as a button....and she is wearing numbers all over her body.
 I thought i'd just state the obvious. Even the old lady in the background is dressed better. .....See how distracting just one outfit is?
Thanks 1987!




Ok....wow. She is actually also stunning, but looks HORRIBLE. Her unflattering man hair, and again with the shoulder pads and the sleeves to her blazer pushed up TIGHTLY. But look how nervous she is that someone that looks like HIM is hitting on her. He has pedophile hair and really awful ROUND glasses that we see throughout Season 2.  Remember round glasses? Unflattering for everyone.
Thanks 1988!


Patricia Wettig. She's beautiful. Crazy watery eyes aside, she's beautiful. A classic elegant beauty, a great actress and holy crap what where they putting in her hair??!! This woman's hair is distractingly shiny, full, bouncy and blonde. I want to hate her, but I can't. She's an amazing actress, and plays the neurotic divorcee down to a T.


She hasn't aged and I think it has to do with the deal she made with the devil to never age and always have beautiful hair. On second thought, I do hate her now.


Please don't let that stop you. This is a great show.

Oh, and my crush on this show.......


Listen, blondes are not my type, really. A blonde mullet SHOULD make a black woman run in the opposite direction in fear for her life. Peter Horton, however......is gorgeous. Smoldering even. And yes, those will be my next pair of glasses if I can help it.



See?? HOTTT..........He's hot. Nordic-like..Ha!


This show, for me, proves the challenges and questions of life NEVER EVER change. We are all human beings trying to achieve happiness, trying to create a better life than the ones we had, one day at a time. Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, Pacific Islander, West Indian. Today, tomorrow, 25 years ago, 50 years ago. Underneath the mullets, shoulder pads, damaging perms, Aqua Net, and 5lb glasses, we were and still are, all the same.

I'm in love...with paint

My love affair with the paintbrush has begun. We tangoed for a while, I experimented with pencils, markers, but refused to pick up a brush.

I had my excuses.

It's too messy. I can't draw. I'm separated, no place for an easel. I can't draw. It's too expensive. blah blah.

Well, thanks to tiny little canvases, tiny little brushes, and a tiny little palette, I CAN paint and it's actually pretty inexpensive. I can hold the canvas in my hand and paint. I can take it outside. I can paint in my room, anywhere. I love it! I am loving acrylics right now. Simple, easy, childish, haha. The boldness of the acrylics are what i'm drawn to. And yes, I can't draw, but am even loving that! There are no wrong answers in art. That's what I tell myself. Constantly.

I don't care. I have spent hours processing and painting. I'm hooked.