This ever-changing blog...

When I first started blogging, it was for our international adoption. That fell through. I stopped blogging, and started up again as we started considering domestic adoption. Then foster parenting. Now, as I sit in my Brother's living room, still in my pajamas, I realize we didn't fail at those things. We are great parents. We are loving, caring and smart. But God closed each and every one of those doors because He knew I would be sitting here today, still processing my Husband's request for a divorce. I guess this blog will just be about my life. Follow if you want, but right now a baby is the furthest thing from my mind.

It's not that he doesn't want to be married to me, it's that he doesn't want to be married. The phrase, "It's not you, it's me", has never been more true in this case. It's not that he doesn't want to be my Husband, it's that........he can't.

He. Cant.

I physically ache for what he's going through, and at the same time, am suffering because I am losing a Husband. I am actually grieving. I haven't felt this down since I lost my Grandma last July. The crying, the lethargy. I'm grieving for the marriage, but also grieving our future. Grieving us wrinkly and old, surrounded by grandkids, grieving our first house, our first child together.

But, looking back, it all makes sense. I hate to say it, but we were bound for divorce from the gate. He was young and codependent, and so was I. We were tired of being unloved so, we loved the hell out of each other. And if that weren't enough, he came with 3 beautiful kids, which fed my infertility and brought out a love I didn't know existed. Which fueled my desire to have a child of our own. Ugh, what a mess. In the meantime, we fought to love his kids for 6 years, as their own mother constantly ripped them from us. When she did decide to give them to us, they were dirty, full of bugs and lice, unloved. We'd hear stories of HORROR from them. Cops were called constantly, we reported her constantly. We hit walls constantly. We knocked down all of God's red flags, telling us to heal OURSELVES FIRST. These issues were so. Much. Bigger than what we as UNHEALED people could handle. We just fought like hell to stay together because we love each other so much. We still do, and always will. But we slowly crumbled. The weight of the issues + our foundation of sinking sand = where we are today. Completely apart, stripped, broken. His therapy has revealed what he has spent 27 years hiding. A horrible, highly dysfunctional childhood full of physical and mental abuse, trauma and torture. As pained as I am to be alone and without him, can you imagine what he is going through? He is literally being rebuilt.  His eyes are being opened and he can no longer hide.

It's why he told me he literally cannot be my husband.

It's DEEEEP. Deeper than what I can say on the blog.

What I am blessed for :

-My Mom, nephew, my brother, cousins, aunts/uncles, Keelan, Nai, Monica, Jamila. Our therapists. L's is awesome. We are so blessed for her. I'm blessed for mine, and even our marriage counselor, Dr. F.
-God closed the doors for us to have children. All those nights I cried, He knew it was for the best. And now, so do I.
-We never bought a house. We have debt, but no financial drama. Clean breaks as far as material possessions go.
-We never got custody of his kids. This is a tricky one, because their mom is an idiot. But the kids are well taken care of, courtesy of our tax dollars, the school system, L's child support, and her family who take care care of her 3 kids she had with L, plus the other 2 she had after him. Also, they didn't need to be ripped from the only home they knew, just to be in our failing one. And the healing L is doing, needs to be done alone. God blessed him by moving them to California to live with their stable Grandparents.
- Him and I love each other. Even as we finalized our decision verbally on Wednesday night, we laughed about a couple of things. We hugged and cried in each others arms in the hallway, for what felt like forever. I kid you not, as we stood there crying a song was playing in the kitchen. I'll post the song later. I don't even want to hear it now. He called me the next day, to check on me, knowing how much we miss each other, and how deep and profound that night was.

And still, knowing the facts..........i'm devastated.