This ever-changing blog...

When I first started blogging, it was for our international adoption. That fell through. I stopped blogging, and started up again as we started considering domestic adoption. Then foster parenting. Now, as I sit in my Brother's living room, still in my pajamas, I realize we didn't fail at those things. We are great parents. We are loving, caring and smart. But God closed each and every one of those doors because He knew I would be sitting here today, still processing my Husband's request for a divorce. I guess this blog will just be about my life. Follow if you want, but right now a baby is the furthest thing from my mind.

It's not that he doesn't want to be married to me, it's that he doesn't want to be married. The phrase, "It's not you, it's me", has never been more true in this case. It's not that he doesn't want to be my Husband, it's that........he can't.

He. Cant.

I physically ache for what he's going through, and at the same time, am suffering because I am losing a Husband. I am actually grieving. I haven't felt this down since I lost my Grandma last July. The crying, the lethargy. I'm grieving for the marriage, but also grieving our future. Grieving us wrinkly and old, surrounded by grandkids, grieving our first house, our first child together.

But, looking back, it all makes sense. I hate to say it, but we were bound for divorce from the gate. He was young and codependent, and so was I. We were tired of being unloved so, we loved the hell out of each other. And if that weren't enough, he came with 3 beautiful kids, which fed my infertility and brought out a love I didn't know existed. Which fueled my desire to have a child of our own. Ugh, what a mess. In the meantime, we fought to love his kids for 6 years, as their own mother constantly ripped them from us. When she did decide to give them to us, they were dirty, full of bugs and lice, unloved. We'd hear stories of HORROR from them. Cops were called constantly, we reported her constantly. We hit walls constantly. We knocked down all of God's red flags, telling us to heal OURSELVES FIRST. These issues were so. Much. Bigger than what we as UNHEALED people could handle. We just fought like hell to stay together because we love each other so much. We still do, and always will. But we slowly crumbled. The weight of the issues + our foundation of sinking sand = where we are today. Completely apart, stripped, broken. His therapy has revealed what he has spent 27 years hiding. A horrible, highly dysfunctional childhood full of physical and mental abuse, trauma and torture. As pained as I am to be alone and without him, can you imagine what he is going through? He is literally being rebuilt.  His eyes are being opened and he can no longer hide.

It's why he told me he literally cannot be my husband.

It's DEEEEP. Deeper than what I can say on the blog.

What I am blessed for :

-My Mom, nephew, my brother, cousins, aunts/uncles, Keelan, Nai, Monica, Jamila. Our therapists. L's is awesome. We are so blessed for her. I'm blessed for mine, and even our marriage counselor, Dr. F.
-God closed the doors for us to have children. All those nights I cried, He knew it was for the best. And now, so do I.
-We never bought a house. We have debt, but no financial drama. Clean breaks as far as material possessions go.
-We never got custody of his kids. This is a tricky one, because their mom is an idiot. But the kids are well taken care of, courtesy of our tax dollars, the school system, L's child support, and her family who take care care of her 3 kids she had with L, plus the other 2 she had after him. Also, they didn't need to be ripped from the only home they knew, just to be in our failing one. And the healing L is doing, needs to be done alone. God blessed him by moving them to California to live with their stable Grandparents.
- Him and I love each other. Even as we finalized our decision verbally on Wednesday night, we laughed about a couple of things. We hugged and cried in each others arms in the hallway, for what felt like forever. I kid you not, as we stood there crying a song was playing in the kitchen. I'll post the song later. I don't even want to hear it now. He called me the next day, to check on me, knowing how much we miss each other, and how deep and profound that night was.

And still, knowing the facts..........i'm devastated.

Quick Update

It's been an exhausting couple of weeks. I won't say too much right now. I don't wanna. But what I will say is, I am blessed. God proves his presence over and over. Even in the midst of a failing marriage, He is showing me how much He loves me.

Anyway, I have my first custom order this week. Not through Etsy, but that's ok. She customized her colors, and requested a couple of imperfect circle felt magnets, and also some fish and bird felt magnets. Woo hoo!

My Cousin and I also just purchased our Raaphael Saadiq concert tickets too. Remember Tony!Tone!Toni! ?
That was a long time ago, since then he's gone solo on a few albums and he is amazing as a producer, artist and writer. I love him, can't wait.

So, peace in the midst of the storm.

Roots

Today was marriage counseling and it was hard.

As we 3 sat down to discuss the separation "rules", we brought up some existing conflicts in our marriage. We then began going round and round, arguing over the same old crap, sawing sawdust as my friend says. And as we began to reduce our marriage to a fine powder, we finally hit paydirt. We got to the very root of our problem. And as Dr. F started shoveling, er, i mean explaining it in a different way, we realized the roots went deeeeeeep and then sprouted and grew and grew.

Tonight it got real..........and I think for the first time, we both understand why we have been slowly spiraling downward all of these years. We understand EXACTLY why we are separating and we are both on the SAME page. Some would say, for the first time since we have been together. How sad that this is the one thing we agree on. We agree that this is the healthiest way for the both of us at this time. Healthy in mind, spirit and soul.

I won't say anymore about what happened with Dr. F.


I love my Husband very much, and I am here to support him, 100%.  My love and support for him will never fade, for the rest of my life. This separation is so painful to us both, but it has to be done, for many reasons I just can't say here. Heavy-hearted, bittersweet-ish, semi-peaceful.....

Detachment.

Last night I forced my Husband to talk to me. He was in the bathroom about to hop in the shower, when I politely and elegantly, opened the bathroom door and closed and locked it behind me. We argued while he was "buck nekked" and I got real with him, and him with me. Then, he shut down. I left the bathroom. After his shower he went in the kids room/mancave. There he stayed, watching TV, for the rest of the night. I guess he was processing our arguement.We have another counseling session on Saturday, and I'm no longer holding back. Flanagan has no idea what he's in for.

The Flu - Day 4

Day 1 felt like a cold. Day 2 felt worse. Day 3 and today feel like I've been run over by a car while having a cold.

Hubby and I are not happy with each other this week. We didn't have therapy this week. We have it every other week, but it should be weekly....

Sigh...

Making it work.

We are a work in progress. Individual therapy AND marriage counseling. It's been a week and so far so good. I've put my dream of a child temporarily on hold. What's the point of trying to have a child with your husband when there are many...many ...issues between us? It seems, the closer we got to our homestudy, the more relationship/marriage crap started coming out.yayyy.

This blog is still my journey to my child. If it takes my entire life, I will.

Marriage is hard.

I just wanted to put that out there. It seems before you get married, everyone tells you its work. They forget to add the word "hard", though.

So I will.

Marriage......is hard work.

It is what it is.

Our marriage is not pretty right now. I feel no one is reading this blog anyway, so what do I care that I'm saying it out loud. This blog is about the road to our child. Or maybe just my child?

I hope not.

I love my husband.

I want us to work.

Is this just a "rough patch"? I didn't that was supposed to happen until the "7 year itch", or after 12 or more years of marriage. Not at 3 1/2 years.

Anyway, it pains me to say, that we canceled our home study. We thought it best to put it on hold while we focus on our marriage. We realized how solid we are going to have to be as a team to tackle the issues ahead with foster care/adoption.

This sucks.

The yearn,need,desire to have a child does not go away and decide to come back after marriage counseling and therapy.

This. Sucks.