End of 2010

I think i'm happy to be saying goodbye to this year. Its had major heartbreak-

-Death of Lito's Father
-My layoff
-Death of my Grandmother
-Marriage drama/crap
-Lito's babymama drama/crap
-Temporary cancellation of Fost/adoption AGAIN

We've been in marriage counseling and individual therapy for a couple weeks now. I am hopeful this will put us on the right path. It's amazing how you can not even notice that you are disrespecting your spouse, or not communicating enough. You go to work, give 110% to your job/coworkers, and then come home and give little to the one you made a vow to. Lines become drawn, we stack our cards and then shut down. Right now, we are working on reversing negative stuff like that. We are working on putting each others needs first, as a married couple. As our therapist said, "When you EACH wake up deciding that you are solely responsible for saving the marriage, how can either of you go wrong?"

........Oh. When he put it like that, as plain as simple as could be, I think a light went on for both of us and we realized we had not been doing so.

I hope 2011 brings good cheer.

~Nephew and I wishing you Happy New Year!~

Making it work.

We are a work in progress. Individual therapy AND marriage counseling. It's been a week and so far so good. I've put my dream of a child temporarily on hold. What's the point of trying to have a child with your husband when there are many...many ...issues between us? It seems, the closer we got to our homestudy, the more relationship/marriage crap started coming out.yayyy.

This blog is still my journey to my child. If it takes my entire life, I will.

Marriage is hard.

I just wanted to put that out there. It seems before you get married, everyone tells you its work. They forget to add the word "hard", though.

So I will.

Marriage......is hard work.

It is what it is.

Our marriage is not pretty right now. I feel no one is reading this blog anyway, so what do I care that I'm saying it out loud. This blog is about the road to our child. Or maybe just my child?

I hope not.

I love my husband.

I want us to work.

Is this just a "rough patch"? I didn't that was supposed to happen until the "7 year itch", or after 12 or more years of marriage. Not at 3 1/2 years.

Anyway, it pains me to say, that we canceled our home study. We thought it best to put it on hold while we focus on our marriage. We realized how solid we are going to have to be as a team to tackle the issues ahead with foster care/adoption.

This sucks.

The yearn,need,desire to have a child does not go away and decide to come back after marriage counseling and therapy.

This. Sucks.

November is.........

National Adoption Month!

http://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/nam/

Progress.....ish.

We got a call from our cw today. Of course, I didn't get to the phone fast enough and missed it. She was calling to set up our homestudy! Snap! And when I called her back she was away and I left her a voicemail.

I hate phone tag. Working with the state should be a blast.

Anyway, its time for us to start preparing for the homestudy. From what I hear, its not a lady with a white glove inspecting the tops of the bookshelves, or searching through all of your dressers and cabinets.

I think what the cw will do is make sure your house is safe and 'kid'proof. That includes having a fire extinguisher, socket covers, cabinet door latches,first aid kit, fire escape route and maybe even a fire escape ladder thingy (that's the technical term).

On a deeper level, she will probably talk to the kids and get their feelings about fost/adoption. Of course they will talk to L and I about our relationship, parenthood, etc.

Beyond that, I don't know.

So yeah, I'm NERVOUS!

I mean......

We received word that we had completed our classes and background check back in Mid September, and we have not heard anything since.

I have sent an email, and 2 voicemails.

If there are so many infants needing foster placement in Oregon, why are we not receiving any calls? I'm sure we will be playing phone tag with the state for years, so I should get used to it, eh? Blah, it upsets me.

Fir Point Farm (pics too!)

It was a beautiful Oregon Fall weekend and we had the kids and met up with our friends on Sunday. Life was perfect.

Junior and I waiting patiently for our friends to arrive...

The adorable market....

The crew's all here!

 The dreaded Corn Maze.....

After 15 minutes of deja vu, corn wormy things, and muddy trails....."Do you see why I hate corn mazes?"

"But..this light is so flattering!"

good times.....

Shameless plug in 5, 4, 3, 2.....

My dear friend has an etsy shop. She crochets beautiful hats!

http://www.lilybug2006.etsy.com/

I have an etsy shop!

I've joined the many creative types who need an outlet. Whether my cards ever sell or not doesn't matter today. I'm just proud I did it.

http://www.alittlecard.etsy.com/

Infertility ramblings

L-my Husband
IF-infertility
b/g-background

We're still waiting to hear from someone. Its been weeks since we got a letter and a call regarding passing our b/g check. During those weeks, we had L's kids, attended some good family gatherings, and spent time with friends.
L works full time. I was laid off earlier this year, and since then, discovered that being a full time mom in any capacity is truly my main goal. I will go back to work one day. I will attend school soon. Right now, I am a housewife to myself, my husband and 3 dogs.

Last night my Brother stopped by with his girlfriends son. It was nice to have him in the kids' room, playing and watching Tom and Jerry in there. All 3 dogs were even in there with him.

After both ovarian cancer surgeries were done, a year apart, I was 21 years old. The thought of never having kids hardly penetrated me at all. I was living in downtown Portland with my best friend Anna at the time. We were partying a lot with another friend, Karlee, and kids were the furthest things from our minds. The 3 of us were unstoppable. We were YOUNG! We were the reverse oreo trio. Anna was the leggy blonde, I was the busty token black girl, Karlee was the earthy brunette who favors Sandra Bullock to this day. My friend Monica, who is 20 years older, was the only honest person who said, "Infertility is going to become more painful as you age." A few months later, Anna was pregnant, disbanding the trio, sparking the first twinge of emotional pain from IF.

A couple years later, I moved to NY on a whim and lived with a longtime friend. Those 2 years were amazing and kids were not thought about. At all. Not even once. Until I met a guy who asked me on our 2nd date, "What man is going to marry a woman who can't give him a child?"

The douche had a point. I hadn't thought of that until that moment. Thanks, idiot. Enter-more IF pain.

When I met L in 2005, he awakened a desire to be married and to have a family. His love and affection for his kids are one of the many things that attracted me to him. His acceptance of me FOR ME, was refreshing and overwhelming. When we started to settle down together, started to talk marriage and family, in rushed a new emotion/experience I had never understood or even know I wanted...

MOTHERHOOD!!! (Dun dun dunnnnnnn)

And here we are today. Motherhood consumes my every thought. Being 31 and in menopause due to removal of ovaries, means biologically, my body is telling me "its too late". The desire is growing stronger each day. And the emotional pain......ugh.

On a side note, Karlee and her hubs just welcomed a baby girl. She's a preemie, and it sounds like she's a fighter! ;) Keep the 3 in your prayers please.

flu and blue.

Woe is me, lately. What a great time to blog, since I can't get out of bed. Yay flu.

I trust in God, I love Him. I am realizing, though, faith can be hard. Believe and Let Go.....honestly, that's what I am working on right now.

Is it just me, or is everyone pregnant right now? 5 of my Facebook friends, and about 3 blogs I faithfully stalk. I know, that sounded lame, but it is what it is, people. My friend D says, "So, defriend them all. You don't need this." I understand what she means. She doesn't want me to suffer. Infertility is painful. I'm 31 and have been infertile for 12 years. 12 years of "we have exciting news!", baby showers, birth announcements, birthday parties, blah blah blah. So defriending them would not make life better for me. This is life. Life produces life, live moves and builds and thrives, life ends.

What I need to cling to during these times is my God. I cry, pray, read. I spend time with family and friends. I make cards, work on the adoption lifebook. And when his ex is not being cold hearted, we have his kids:)

We had them this weekend and it was low key and amazing. We debuted their new rooms. The younger 2 share now. We put their beds side by side, painted the room grey, and loaded the room with lots of color and artwork. It's awesome!

M loved having her own room here. When she opened the door she was silent. She just stood therean then I heard a tiny....."wow". We left her alone in her turqoise room. About 10 minutes later she comes out...."Kristin, did you paint and decorate this just for me?" Me, "Yep. You're my girl." For 2 days she was in there,jammin to a boombox I found at Goodwill, laying on the white bed I found on craigslist, looking at her tree, owl and bird scene that covers an entire wall. She loved her porcelain horse lamp that I spray painted white and got a cool white square lampshade. She noticed everything and was in love. Well worth the wait to see her, A and J.

Retail Therapy

I celebrated us being one step closer, by searching for some more items for baby A. Pants, and a couple shirts.

Also, getting our paperwork together. Here we go with the mounds of paperwork :)

The Bittersweets

Today I received news that my dear friends 3 year stepgrandson died in a tragic accident last night. My friend and I talked about it earlier today, and she called me again tonight, around the time of the accident the night before. My prayers are with my sweet friend and her extended family. That sweet grandson just may be walking hand in hand with my beautiful Grandmother.

Prior to that call, earlier today, I received a call from DHS. They let us know they received our clean b/g checks, and to expect to receive info regarding that, the next step, and contact info for our ADOPTION WORKER. We are supposed to hear from her any day. Thank the Lord for being one step closer to our child. I honestly was not expecting the b/g check to come back so soon, therefore assuming I would not hear anything until late October. I'll admit, I screamed when I got off the phone...so what.

I started thinking of a timeline, and I am trying not to allow my mind to wander. Truth is, we could be on a waiting list for years. Something is saying it won't be years though. I believe I will be full time mama....soon.

Update.....?

It's been about 4 weeks since we were fingerprinted for our background check. We can probably expect to hear NOTHING for the next 4-5 more weeks. Ugh. After that, our homestudy begins. So, its safe to say I will not hold my baby this year. I knew that, bums me out a little. But it's all about God's timing...

I think because we are actually in the adoption process, this season has me longing a bit stronger. Fall is my favorite favorite season! The weather is crisp, the colors are beautiful, there's a refreshing energy in the air. I can't wait to help my son/daughter gear up for school one day...:)

I did some shopping around town for the house. I am so tired of pretending baby stuff doesn't exist. Today I was like - I'm buying baby stuff. Now, keep in mind I had to choose wisely. We are far from knowing the age or sex of our child, but we are praying for an infant. I hear the chances of receiving an infant through DHS is highly unlikely. Why is that not stopping us? Again, I refer you back to my faith in God. I'm a big believer that he will give you the desires of your heart. To ensure the items would be used, I just looked for bigger sizes.

So my "gender neutral-make sure the size is 12mo+" baby items search was on.....

*My thought bubble while perusing the infant/toddler section at Target and TJ Maxx...*
"Pregnant women are damn lucky with their stupid due dates, the option of knowing the sex, and their general idea of what size the baby will be. Look at all these flipping options for women with ovaries."

Meanwhile, in adoptionland, I pick out a bib, some sweet green and yellow turtle washcloths, a Paul Frank beanie with matching shoes(bright blue), and......some socket covers. Wooo. Madness.

That was about it for gender neutral adoptionland. A word to all retailers....um, not everyone knows the sex of their child, or even the age! Do you think you could not splash every childs item with pink or hardcore boys colors? Is it a onesie with trucks or one with cupcakes? Isn't there a happy medium,like grey, yellow, mint, white, red, orange? I'm just sayin'.

Retail therapy helps the days go by, plus it prepares me little by little for baby. And I had a good day.

Tomorrow, lunch with Mom and Gramma E. Saturday we spend the day with friends, and Sunday a concert! John Legend!! Yee-hoo! Have a good weekend :)

They are my kids too.

It has been difficult to turn on the "Mom" switch on Fridays at 7pm, and then turn it back off on Sunday evening when we drop them off. I love and miss them so much. They make me laugh, they break my heart, they keep me focused on my goals to give them a wonderful life. But I had no idea they would keep me up at night, worried about their future. Amaya whispers in my ear that she has no friends, and I am devastated for the rest of the night! She is shy and reminds me of myself when I was younger. I want to now run to the playground and force other girls to see how awesome she is! But, that's also scary. Ha!
So I can't just turn that switch off and wake up Monday morning and not think of her in the lunchroom with her little tray.
So I pray for them. I shop for them throughout the week, I pick out paint colors and browse through curtains to get ideas for their rooms in the new house.
They are my kids.

Happy Father's Day, 2010

Here is my Dad who is awesome. I first spoke to him when I was 15, then met him 8 years later. It's a great relationship thats a work in progress, but a wonderful and special one nonetheless. I have some wonderful qualities that I now know are from him. Thanks Dad, for making me awesome too! hahaha

7 Months Later...

Our Adoption Foundations Training classes are done. Yay!

Next week, I meet with the AMAZING casweworker who facilitated all of the classes, to turn in our application and set a date to get fingerprinted. This will start the criminal background check, which will take....2 months. Ugh.

If only I had some sort of decorating projects to keep me busy....

Moving Day!

Ok, not today. But some time next month, as we got the rental home we wanted. God is good.

This home has 3 bedrooms, a HUGE yard, a utility room/office off to the kitchen, and is in a good Portland location for us. God is SO good.

I think this home fits our family now, as well as our future family.

Yay!

New.

Good news! We have one more class left, to adopt a foster child. Our application will be turned in a couple weeks from now, after our last class.Then fingerprinting,background checks, and the home study. Then we will be approved. I am really excited.

We want to be matched up with a child ages 0-2, not gender specific. Madeline (the wonderful class instructor whose name I love) informed us that since that age range is so popular with families, it may take longer than the usual 6 month wait. Little does she know i've waited 31 years to be a mommy and I am learning to be patient. There is so much to do in the meantime. Between the adoption process, house hunting, school starting in the fall,working, spending time with Lito's kids. I'm listing all of those things, pretending the wait wont be agonizing. ha.

Many Things....

We are hunting for a new home for our soon to be growing family. We don't know when he/she will arrive, but we know God has something cooking :) And currently, our 3 kids are sharing ONE bedroom and this is not working well. So onward we hunt for our home.

On the adoption front, we are done with 6 of our 8 classes for adopting through the state. Then, the criminal/background checks, then the home study, and hopefully soon after, our son or daughter. I know we will adopt from Ethiopia someday, but for now, we are thinking more "locally" :)

I am excited for what awaits.

1st mobile post.

It's because I can't sleep, so nows as good a time as any, to test out posting from my Blackberry.

So this blog is for me. My way of venting more than just a few lines on a Facebook post. Its more about the process and the journey of us trying to expand our family. All the "little" unexpected life events, like losing a loved one and a job in the same week. Thanks month of March!

So, that's why I can't sleep, and am mobile posting.

Happy New Year

(My nephew on the left, my cousin on the right)

Welcome! I think today is a good day to start my second blog. My first one focuses on our Ethiopian adoption, which has been put on hold for now, but I still want to be able to to have one to connect with family and friends, share observations and randomness. So,here it is! More to come....