Roller Coaster

The pain comes in waves. It never really goes away, it more subsides so you can shower, go to the store, mildly entertain your nephew. The past few days, though, I have been a basketcase. I can't remember anything. ANYTHING. I was born and raised in Portland, yet I can't remember how to get to the mall, seriously. The emotions are clouding everything. This is why celebs can get over relationships so fast. They have drivers, they can shop it off, go to another country to decompress.
Honestly, I have a newfound respect for men/women who have gone through a divorce with kids. I literally have ran to cry at different parts of the house, so Elijah would not question my tears or try and console me. And that's just one nephew. I can't imagine having to continue to raise kids while going through such a sad season in life.

Yesterday, I went to bed at 8pm and slept for 13 hours. I actually woke up naturally today, not by the sound of my own tears.....
That was funny.....and true.

Today I went shopping with Nai. She works in retail and swears by shopping to cure pain.

Today, it worked. I bought some tops.

Thanks Amazon for some ridiculously low Miz Mooz boots and some Bearpaw boots (think Uggs, but half the price).

We had a good day, and I was sure I would be fine. I had to see him today, though. I used his van to bring the rest of my stuff, and today he came to pick it up. We hugged and kissed. No tears, but he looked into my eyes and said, " I know". Another long hug and I was  able to feel his rough cheek again. To smell him again. Cologne, mint gum and mechanic smell. That was my Husband. I know it's reeeaally corny, but you really do go through this type of crap...ugh.

No tears so far today, though.

Thanks to Elijah, I get to laugh once a day. Also, I just started watching Lost. I know, sorry Lost fans, I'M NEW TO THE GENIUS OF LOST. I've successfully gotten the entire family hooked on it. We are still on Season 1. I don't even care if the rest of the seasons suck, i'm in this for the long haul. I dream of this show at night. Every character is lovable, even the bad ones. I think I wanna be Kate. I mean, who doesn't? Seriously, this show rocks, has lay-ers, and is helping me through. In fantasyland,  I can't decide if my next husband will be Sawyer, Jack, Jin or Sayeed. If Sayeed clipped his nails and wore a ponytail, maybe i'd give him some play.

And another thing...

I am realizing, by the hour, the layers of it all.

So many layers.

I wanted to start my community college classes this coming Monday. There is absolutely no chance of that now. The thought of sitting for 6-8 hours and trying not to think of it all........

My brother made a good point. "God is giving you, YOU".

I'll spend the next few months discovering me, taking care of only me, for the first time in 31 years.

This ever-changing blog...

When I first started blogging, it was for our international adoption. That fell through. I stopped blogging, and started up again as we started considering domestic adoption. Then foster parenting. Now, as I sit in my Brother's living room, still in my pajamas, I realize we didn't fail at those things. We are great parents. We are loving, caring and smart. But God closed each and every one of those doors because He knew I would be sitting here today, still processing my Husband's request for a divorce. I guess this blog will just be about my life. Follow if you want, but right now a baby is the furthest thing from my mind.

It's not that he doesn't want to be married to me, it's that he doesn't want to be married. The phrase, "It's not you, it's me", has never been more true in this case. It's not that he doesn't want to be my Husband, it's that........he can't.

He. Cant.

I physically ache for what he's going through, and at the same time, am suffering because I am losing a Husband. I am actually grieving. I haven't felt this down since I lost my Grandma last July. The crying, the lethargy. I'm grieving for the marriage, but also grieving our future. Grieving us wrinkly and old, surrounded by grandkids, grieving our first house, our first child together.

But, looking back, it all makes sense. I hate to say it, but we were bound for divorce from the gate. He was young and codependent, and so was I. We were tired of being unloved so, we loved the hell out of each other. And if that weren't enough, he came with 3 beautiful kids, which fed my infertility and brought out a love I didn't know existed. Which fueled my desire to have a child of our own. Ugh, what a mess. In the meantime, we fought to love his kids for 6 years, as their own mother constantly ripped them from us. When she did decide to give them to us, they were dirty, full of bugs and lice, unloved. We'd hear stories of HORROR from them. Cops were called constantly, we reported her constantly. We hit walls constantly. We knocked down all of God's red flags, telling us to heal OURSELVES FIRST. These issues were so. Much. Bigger than what we as UNHEALED people could handle. We just fought like hell to stay together because we love each other so much. We still do, and always will. But we slowly crumbled. The weight of the issues + our foundation of sinking sand = where we are today. Completely apart, stripped, broken. His therapy has revealed what he has spent 27 years hiding. A horrible, highly dysfunctional childhood full of physical and mental abuse, trauma and torture. As pained as I am to be alone and without him, can you imagine what he is going through? He is literally being rebuilt.  His eyes are being opened and he can no longer hide.

It's why he told me he literally cannot be my husband.

It's DEEEEP. Deeper than what I can say on the blog.

What I am blessed for :

-My Mom, nephew, my brother, cousins, aunts/uncles, Keelan, Nai, Monica, Jamila. Our therapists. L's is awesome. We are so blessed for her. I'm blessed for mine, and even our marriage counselor, Dr. F.
-God closed the doors for us to have children. All those nights I cried, He knew it was for the best. And now, so do I.
-We never bought a house. We have debt, but no financial drama. Clean breaks as far as material possessions go.
-We never got custody of his kids. This is a tricky one, because their mom is an idiot. But the kids are well taken care of, courtesy of our tax dollars, the school system, L's child support, and her family who take care care of her 3 kids she had with L, plus the other 2 she had after him. Also, they didn't need to be ripped from the only home they knew, just to be in our failing one. And the healing L is doing, needs to be done alone. God blessed him by moving them to California to live with their stable Grandparents.
- Him and I love each other. Even as we finalized our decision verbally on Wednesday night, we laughed about a couple of things. We hugged and cried in each others arms in the hallway, for what felt like forever. I kid you not, as we stood there crying a song was playing in the kitchen. I'll post the song later. I don't even want to hear it now. He called me the next day, to check on me, knowing how much we miss each other, and how deep and profound that night was.

And still, knowing the facts..........i'm devastated.

It's over

and that's all I can type.

The Irony of Separation

The one to comfort you, is the one who is the root of the pain.

Like, this is totally awesome!

I stumbled upon a 24-year old television series that I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF.





Gee, I wonder why. I'm sure it has nothing to do with my current pre-midlife crisis. Anyway, I love this series. If it's new to you too, it's like Parenthood meets Scrubs. If it's old to you, then you know why I love it.

Ok, let's take the 80's factor out of this show first. Cuz........whew, visually it can be rough. The above picture is nothing compared to what this show throws at you. Season 1 started in 1987. No trickle down fashion from the 1970's WHATSOEVER. You see.....now, in 2011, we draw from the good nostalgia factor of the 80's - the music and the bright colors, the awesome cartoons and epic movies. I mean, really, we all thought we were living in a John Hughes film, because we were. Even little black girl me from the 80's wanted to be Uncle Buck's niece. I wanted to be Rudy Huxtable. I had Gem dolls, hi-tops with 2 tongues and 2 sets of laces. I had bushy eyebrows and wore my Mom's shoulder-padded clothes around the house. We look back on those days and they are warm and fuzzy. We forget how ugly the 80's was because we are now able to FILTER our 80's memories and mix it with our current 21st century life.

The key word there was "filter".



We've filtered such outfits like this...........hold on to your chair.....................






I recently watched this episode and I audibly gasped. Suddenly, my Mom's bedroom closet flooded back to me like a acid-washed tidal wave. Why in the hell were women dressing 50 lbs heavier?? Let's break this down for a second because i've had almost 3 seasons of this show in. This character's real name is Melanie Mayron. She's my fave on the show. She's an artist and the sound of her biological clock keeps her up at night. I have NO IDEA why she's my fave.....................
Anyway, she's got this great NY/PA accent, she is as cute as a button....and she is wearing numbers all over her body.
 I thought i'd just state the obvious. Even the old lady in the background is dressed better. .....See how distracting just one outfit is?
Thanks 1987!




Ok....wow. She is actually also stunning, but looks HORRIBLE. Her unflattering man hair, and again with the shoulder pads and the sleeves to her blazer pushed up TIGHTLY. But look how nervous she is that someone that looks like HIM is hitting on her. He has pedophile hair and really awful ROUND glasses that we see throughout Season 2.  Remember round glasses? Unflattering for everyone.
Thanks 1988!


Patricia Wettig. She's beautiful. Crazy watery eyes aside, she's beautiful. A classic elegant beauty, a great actress and holy crap what where they putting in her hair??!! This woman's hair is distractingly shiny, full, bouncy and blonde. I want to hate her, but I can't. She's an amazing actress, and plays the neurotic divorcee down to a T.


She hasn't aged and I think it has to do with the deal she made with the devil to never age and always have beautiful hair. On second thought, I do hate her now.


Please don't let that stop you. This is a great show.

Oh, and my crush on this show.......


Listen, blondes are not my type, really. A blonde mullet SHOULD make a black woman run in the opposite direction in fear for her life. Peter Horton, however......is gorgeous. Smoldering even. And yes, those will be my next pair of glasses if I can help it.



See?? HOTTT..........He's hot. Nordic-like..Ha!


This show, for me, proves the challenges and questions of life NEVER EVER change. We are all human beings trying to achieve happiness, trying to create a better life than the ones we had, one day at a time. Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, Pacific Islander, West Indian. Today, tomorrow, 25 years ago, 50 years ago. Underneath the mullets, shoulder pads, damaging perms, Aqua Net, and 5lb glasses, we were and still are, all the same.

I'm in love...with paint

My love affair with the paintbrush has begun. We tangoed for a while, I experimented with pencils, markers, but refused to pick up a brush.

I had my excuses.

It's too messy. I can't draw. I'm separated, no place for an easel. I can't draw. It's too expensive. blah blah.

Well, thanks to tiny little canvases, tiny little brushes, and a tiny little palette, I CAN paint and it's actually pretty inexpensive. I can hold the canvas in my hand and paint. I can take it outside. I can paint in my room, anywhere. I love it! I am loving acrylics right now. Simple, easy, childish, haha. The boldness of the acrylics are what i'm drawn to. And yes, I can't draw, but am even loving that! There are no wrong answers in art. That's what I tell myself. Constantly.

I don't care. I have spent hours processing and painting. I'm hooked.

Blissful

The past couple of days have been wonderful. Peaceful, calm. God is speaking and I can hear Him loud and clear.

Quick Update

It's been an exhausting couple of weeks. I won't say too much right now. I don't wanna. But what I will say is, I am blessed. God proves his presence over and over. Even in the midst of a failing marriage, He is showing me how much He loves me.

Anyway, I have my first custom order this week. Not through Etsy, but that's ok. She customized her colors, and requested a couple of imperfect circle felt magnets, and also some fish and bird felt magnets. Woo hoo!

My Cousin and I also just purchased our Raaphael Saadiq concert tickets too. Remember Tony!Tone!Toni! ?
That was a long time ago, since then he's gone solo on a few albums and he is amazing as a producer, artist and writer. I love him, can't wait.

So, peace in the midst of the storm.

The Long And Winding Road- The Beatles + lyrics.flv

Another step taken for me...

I ordered some business cards today. I blanked when it asked for my last name, considering what has happened over the past few days. It's not looking good over here, folks. But, I don't wanna write about it.

What I DO wanna write about is my adorable business cards. They are simple and clean, and I can't wait until they arrive.

Snookie

I'm confessing.

Last night, for the first time ever, I watched more episodes of "Jersey Shore" than I care to admit.

That show is awesome. I love Snookie. I hope she marries Vinnie someday. I love Pauly D and Mike too. I want a NY/NJ accent, hooker heels and giant hot pink hoop earrings.

Bye.

The crafting has taken a turn....for good!

This will not turn into a craft blog, I promise. But, I am so pleased. I have spent the last 12 hours making something that I am so proud of. Tomorrow, i'll devote another day to the 2nd part of it, but I am SO pleased!

I just made something for kids (or adults for that matter), that I hope just ONE kid will love.

I'll try to post pics tomorrow.

*collapse*

What i've learned from 2 boys so far...

I've been separated for almost a week now. It's been super busy thank God. The winding down at night is rough, but by the time my head hits the pillow i'm too exhausted to cry. I just fall asleep.

My Husband and I have texted, called or emailed, just once a day for the past couple days. Today we had a bittersweet conversation. Lito has the ability to literally make me cry one second and die laughing the next. I was glad to hear he is in therapy once a week. Very intense for a guy, let alone one who has been through what he has. We are praying for our marriage, yet are very realistic about the future. Right now, it's just one.day.at.a.time.

Anyway....

What i've learned from my nephew and Keelan, both 8 years old.....

- They wake up at 6AM, no matter what time they go to sleep. No matter what time you go to sleep. 6AM.
- Zombies are coming, and they must prepare. Daily. And nightly.
- 8 year old boys are either talking or eating. Often both.
- Farting in public is NO BIG DEAL.
- Burping in public is NO BIG DEAL.
- They will say nothing for hours. And then,......
"How long are you living here?"
"Are you getting a divorce?".....or....
"Why did the kids' mom move to California when you love them too?"
And then....
they'll fart.

The Worker Be's

Today, Damian and I applied to be in a craft fair, through Crafty Wonderland. Whether or not they choose us to be a part of their craft nerdy goodness, i'm proud of us for hauling a$$ today.

She banged out such beauties as...

Just Gawjuss.

I mean, HELLO flower for my hair, or tank top!

So, pray for us. Send us good thoughts, we need 'em. We find out on 3.15.