Unconditional Love

Lyrics to "Bag Lady" by Erykah Badu

(if you've never heard this one, do it now)



Bag lady, you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that

I guess nobody ever told you,

All you must hold on to,

Is you, is you, is you

One day all them bags gone get in your way
One day all them bags gone get in your way
I said one day all them bags gone get in your way
One Day all them bags gone get in your way

So pack light
Pack light
Pack light
Ooh ooh

Bag lady you gone miss your bus,
You can't hurry up 
Cause you got too much stuff
When they see you comin,
Ni**as take off runnin
From you it's true oh yes they do

One day he gone say you crowdin my space
One day he gone say you crowdin my space
I said one day he gone say you crowdin my space
One day he gone say you crowdin my space 

So pack light
Pack light
Pack light
Ooh ooh

Girl I know sometimes it's hard
And we can't let go
Oh when someone hurts you oh so bad inside,
You can't deny it you can't stop crying
So oh, oh, oh
If you start breathin
Then you won't believe it
You'll feel so much better
(So much better baby)

Bag lady
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go..........................

Art by DL

Something new in my Etsy shop

I made some cute magnets! I am so proud of myself. This week has been taxing, with my move to my Brothers happening this weekend. But I powered through, and used creativity as therapy.

Check me out on Etsy. And all my sales will go into a fund for my future adoption. I figure, since I have to save tens of thousands of dollars, I might as well start....NOW.
:)

First Bucket List Post

I've never even seen the movie. I refuse to watch a movie where Freeman and Nicholson admit to being old. I'm not ready to go there yet.

But, i'd like to have a place to put my bucket list, so I will here!


Ahem......

I want to be so important someday, that I have absolutely no time, and someone who wants to talk to me, will be forced to walk with me to where ever i'm going.

Hahahaa!


But, really.

More crafty goodness

I made my first Etsy purchase ever today. It felt fabulous.
I just bought felt sheets, but I had fun picking from all of the amazing colors and viewing all the felt beauty at the Benzie Bazaar shop.



Until my felt arrives, i'll be practicing my stitching on my garbage Dollar Tree felt. Also, I have a couple other crafts in the works.....

So Inspired.....

We all have a craft, whether we want to believe it or not, because it's dorky. But, we all have a way of unwinding. Movie buffs, gamers, computer geeks, knitters, crocheters, etc.

I know a lot of MEN who cook for a hobby.

They would say they are just "grillers" or just cook for nourishment's sake. That's a lie. Cooking involves GADGETS and guys love gadgets. Guys also love tasty food and sometimes believe they are the only ones who can make it delicious. Plus it's a competition thing, obviously.

I am fine with this, by the way.

Anyway, I like interior decorating, refurbishing household items and furniture from estate sales and thrift stores, and I love card making. I'm ready to try something new, but knew I couldn't do a sewing machine right now. That's something I plan to explore in my late 30's. Ha.
I also knew since we are separating, I needed something I could pack up and move around with. The whole card situation is at a halt. I didn't realize that I was using an entire spare bedroom for my card setup, until I started packing it. I love the boldness of the cards, the shapes, the embellishments, etc. Which is how I stumbled upon the ancient art form.........*dramatic pause*......felt.

HAHAHA! But, really. Felt is AWESOME. It's nothing new, I know. But, it's new for me as far as trying to work with the damn stuff. The last I remember using felt was in Sunday School in the 80's...



But, it's really beautiful. 100% wool or a wool/poly blend, some SHARP scissors, a slew of embroidery thread, needle, patterns.....

and...WOW.

Fun huh? Bold, bright, durable, creative. It's not too much of a stretch from my cards, I just have to work work work on my stitching. Whoo, it's not pretty. But it's not deathly horrible. Practice makes perfect, eh?

One day, will I be able to crank out beauties like http://www.etsy.com/shop/OrdinaryMommy   ????

PROBABLY NOT. This chick is FIERCE WITH HER HANDSTITCHING. 

I never thought I would ever say that.

Browsing online all day to build up my confidence. Then I went to a craft store today, and i'll go back tomorrow with my friend. God, are we nerds. But, it's a nice distraction.

My black hair, Pt. 3

So, in late 2007, after a texturizer gone wrong,  yes I went back to the relaxer. I had been ready to physically go natural with my hair for a long time, but mentally I was struggling with it. An overweight black woman with an afro. I wasn't ready to stand out yet.

I live in Portland, Oregon. Not exactly a mecca for natural hair. Relaxers and weaves run rampant in this city. At times, I literally felt like the only woman with a Fro. I also had a corporate job at the time, and OHHH the comments I would receive during my first period of going natural-

"Can you wash it?"
It.
It is hair, and yes, HAIR can be washed.

"Your hair is fun. I wish I could do that".
No you don't, or else you would have.

After my very first big chop, I had to go to work the next day and I was racked with anxiety. To ease that, an African-American guy walked up to me, shook his head and said, "I don't like that. At all."

I was in my late 20's at the time, yet that single,tiny, stupid ass comment  from one of my own people, took me all the way back to my childhood. Feeling unwanted, black and nappy.

The Big Chop (going natural from relaxed by simply cutting off all the relaxed hair and starting anew with your own hair), is just as much psychological as it is physical. There are stigmas attached with afros, "nappy hair", dreadlocks, etc. Somehow, you are seen as less clean, less polished, even more BLACK, if you will. And the last thing we need in America is proud black folk. So slap some chemicals on, that are literally eating your scalp, so that you can be straight-haired and acceptable.

Race is just one aspect of a black woman's hair.

Femininity is another. My Husband loves my hair. LOVES it. But, that didn't stop me from feeling insecure, wondering if he thought I looked mannish or butch. No swing, bounce,no bun, no sexy ponytail. Just......me. Women are raised to believe that only straight and long hair, or hair that just moves in the breeze, is sexy and what attracts men to us. Yes, it is sexy.  TO THIS DAY, I have maybe one or two "long hair" dreams a year. I literally have dreamt that I had long hair, and that it was the answer to all of my insecurities. In my vivid dreams, I am whippin' that hair around like Tina Turner or Cher.I can see hair out of the corner of my eye! Men are all over me! Women are jealous of my long black hair!

And then, I wake up and am pissed when lift my hand to my head and feel my few inches of hair, versus my Rapunzel-like dream.

After months of being relaxed again, I was unhappy. My hair wasn't growing healthy. It was flat and boring. The small excema patches on my scalp would BURN every time I relaxed it. I have fine hair, and the relaxer was making it that much more fine, not full and thick like I wanted. I didn't feel like myself at all. This was anti-me.

I was ready to be natural again, this time for good.

I just needed some sort of a boost. Then, 2008 unfolded..............

I feel hopeful

I have therapy today. Every week, I dread sitting across from her. I think she's amazing, and therapy truly helps, and I believe 99% of everyone in the world needs it. Tee hee. That being said, I dread it because I have to talk about myself and puuulllll out the sh** in order to heal.  It's the main reason why 75% of the people I know, are not in therapy. And, while we're at it, maybe 25% of those people will never face their SHIT in order to heal. They will die in mental anguish. I mean, it sounds awful, but if you had an open wound on your leg that you ignored.....what would happen?

Anyway, the title of this post was "I feel hopeful", so let me stop there.

I feel hopeful because I have a place to rest my head. I will be staying with my Brother and his family for an undetermined amount of time. They are moving me into their already cramped townhouse with their 2 boys, and may even let me bring Marley. They want me to heal, educate and strengthen, and will adjust their house to do so. That's what I frickin' call a blessing.

Worst. Photo. Ever. I understand that. I needed to find one with all 4 of them in it, and this is all I had on my computer, hee!

My black hair, Pt. 2

Let's see...I first started transitioning from relaxed to natural in the summer of 2006. I knew absolutely nothing about my natural hair and was dying to stop using chemicals. I have some small patches of excema, a couple on my leg, some on my hands, and a couple patches on my scalp. The relaxer chemicals would burn my scalp immediately, but especially where the excema was. It would then scab and crust up on my scalp. It was very painful and gross.

I STRONGLY ADVISE AGAINST THE USE OF RELAXERS!!

I mean, we've seen "Good Hair", right? Anyway, many adults do not burn when they relax their hair. My Mother has been using a relaxer for like, 35 years. She never burns, uses any store bought kit "that's on sale", and has fabulous hair. She's a freak of nature and I want to strike her, and have her beautiful straight hair swoop over her face as she holds it.....holds it........and then slowly turns to look at me.

Anyway, I slowly transitioned to natural, Lito and I trimming my hair every month. Every time I trimmed part of my relaxed hair, it felt straight and brittle, boring even. Underneath were soft coils of MY OWN. During the transition, I wore senegalese twists, corn rows and microbraids. And by the following summer before our wedding, I held a great and proud afro. My hair grew fine for another few months, but I became impatient. I knew I had length, but my curls were so tight that I felt I could not enjoy it. Instead of researching natural hair products online.......I put a texturizer on it which STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR.

I. Was. Devastated. All my hard work was over because I wanted my curls to be softened, didn't read about products, etc. Defeated, I went all the way back to square one, and began relaxing again.

Creamy crack.........

My black hair

Being a natural girl in Portland, Oregon is no easy feat. So if you see me walking down the street, please know i'm doing my very best, thank you very much.

Thanks "internets" for saving my strands.

Thanks Monica for saving my scalp and excema.

Anyway, like every black woman on Earth, I have to talk about my hair in stages because the story is so long and intricate. Ha!

But really, it's true.

Snippets from Valentine's Day Weekend

Snippets from Valentine's Day Weekend

Today is for loved ones

Today is not a day to bitch and moan if you are single. Today is not a day to set above-average expections on your average spouse.

No, today is for feeling warm and fuzzy. You can feel warm and fuzzy bundling up and taking your dogs out for a rainy walk, like I did this afternoon.

 I felt warm and fuzzy when I sent off handmade vday cards to my friends and family, a couple weeks ago...

I feel warm n' fuzzy when I love.

Co-Dependent No More

Tonight I yelled at my Mom for the first time ever. And it's killing me, because I love her to pieces...

Paul Mooney saved my life today

If you haven't seen this yet, you should.

 Like, now.

I cried LAUGHING today. Twist!

I mean, he called Justin Timberlake a double agent.
bye.

Therapeutic

 My dear friends and family have really shown up for me this past week. This week has been emotionally exhausting.

I'd just like to thank a few people..........

Roots

Today was marriage counseling and it was hard.

As we 3 sat down to discuss the separation "rules", we brought up some existing conflicts in our marriage. We then began going round and round, arguing over the same old crap, sawing sawdust as my friend says. And as we began to reduce our marriage to a fine powder, we finally hit paydirt. We got to the very root of our problem. And as Dr. F started shoveling, er, i mean explaining it in a different way, we realized the roots went deeeeeeep and then sprouted and grew and grew.

Tonight it got real..........and I think for the first time, we both understand why we have been slowly spiraling downward all of these years. We understand EXACTLY why we are separating and we are both on the SAME page. Some would say, for the first time since we have been together. How sad that this is the one thing we agree on. We agree that this is the healthiest way for the both of us at this time. Healthy in mind, spirit and soul.

I won't say anymore about what happened with Dr. F.


I love my Husband very much, and I am here to support him, 100%.  My love and support for him will never fade, for the rest of my life. This separation is so painful to us both, but it has to be done, for many reasons I just can't say here. Heavy-hearted, bittersweet-ish, semi-peaceful.....

Processing.....Downloading......

You know the hourglass we get when our computers are thinking?

Or the "buffering" we get when we're on youtube?

That's me, right now.

Romans 8:28

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and who are called according to His purpose.

Detachment.

Last night I forced my Husband to talk to me. He was in the bathroom about to hop in the shower, when I politely and elegantly, opened the bathroom door and closed and locked it behind me. We argued while he was "buck nekked" and I got real with him, and him with me. Then, he shut down. I left the bathroom. After his shower he went in the kids room/mancave. There he stayed, watching TV, for the rest of the night. I guess he was processing our arguement.We have another counseling session on Saturday, and I'm no longer holding back. Flanagan has no idea what he's in for.