Stronger.

I know I am getting stronger.

I write today from the library at my community college campus. This semester has been rough for me; organization, the commute, grieving. Somehow I am halfway through it, though. Not somehow. God has been guiding me through the past few months, as I have asked him to help me through this crazy time.

I can only rebuild one moment at a time, and I think i'm not doing that bad, considering everything. My goal this month is to get organized. So far, my craft area at my Brothers house is looking much better. The living room where I SLEEP, and the small bathroom downstairs is completely organized.

The fact that I am even organizing again is a sign of healing.

As a side note, my Husband(legally since I can't call him an ex yet) has decided to go back to school as well.

At the same campus I attend.


Why? I don't know, really. What I do know is that I have a long road ahead, but I am doing ok.

Grand Floral Parade, 2011

I haven't been to a parade in YEARS.

I thought this year would be a good time to sit back on a downtown Portland curb with family and good friends and junk food galore.

Keep in mind, the floats are made with FLOWERS, people!

Etsy Craft Party 2011....and depressing stuff too!

I'm going this year, and my handmade goodies will be in some of the gift bags, which is exciting!

In divorce news, we had a quick chat today. I can love him and hate him in the same conversation. I guess that's marriage in a nutshell. He shared with me a little about how he has been doing. I've been carrying him around in my heart and mind for the past few days. I miss him terribly. It makes me wonder if we'll ever at least be friends.

 I think that may be what hurts the most. We were/are extremely close. He saw my ugly cries, my "one too many shots" resulting in him pulling over so I could hurl, he saw my transition from relaxed hair to natural(both times), my weight loss/gain/loss and ultimately gain again. He saw me cry hard and laugh hard. He saw me in and out of the hospital. I saw him too. I saw him cry. I heard his laugh that I love. I was there when his Stepdad passed, when his ex would never let us see the kids, her yelling and screaming at us with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, and a 5th newborn child dangling from her teet. I saw him rise from the crappy job he was at when we met, to the great supervisor/trainer he is today. I lost my friend, more than anything. More than the loss of 3 stepkids. More than the future child that we tried to have but never did.

Nope, I lost my best friend too.

One step forward...

I registered for school today. This summer i'll be taking 2 courses. Small start, huge for me though.

In other news, tomorrow I turn 32 and this year I think i'd like it to be over already. Not really into it this year, but i'm blessed to be here.

Hello again, blog.

I've been dipping in and out of blogland lately, as a reader not a participant. Ya know how it is when you wanna read blogs but don't to write your own? That's been me lately.
I'm hoping to blog at least weekly, though. We'll see.

Hmm, updates........life is good. Most of the emotional dust has cleared and i'm well on the way to healing.

I've found a church to attend in the Portland area. I love it. Not only do I feel comfortable, but the congregation is diverse in culture, and age, and the pastor has been teaching at that church for over 30 years! Anyway, I love it.

My crafting/painting - What started out as a hobby is now actually kinda maybe sorta turning into a teeny tiny small business..? (Can you tell how scared I am?)  I am still selling on Etsy, as well as off. I've even sold some of my paintings! I'm gearing up now for summer fairs and summer school as well. I think, at almost 32, i've finally found my career calling. I denied that my calling was kids for a long time. Kids sneeze without covering their mouths, they smack their food, fart in public and are close-talkers. But who am I kidding? I love them. All.
 Sigh...
 I come from a long line of teachers and it's in my blood. It's why every time I jumped back into school, I never finished. I was just going because I knew I had to, not for a reason really. Now, I can barely contain myself. I once heard that when you find your passion/calling, you can actually visualize yourself living out the dream, not necessarily trudging through the work to get there. It's like the work doesn't matter because you just want to get to the end goal. My therapist actually said she thinks I should explore being a child therapist.
Her exact words, "Your bachelor's will be hard, yes. Your masters? Meh, just give the professors what they want".

I love her.

I think about where I was 3 months ago, 2 months ago, even 1 month ago. Divorce is devastating. You feel there is no future, where there once was one. Truth is, by the time you get divorced, you realize that future you thought you were going to have, was probably denial. I shoved red flags under the carpet, powered through. I thought for sure that everything could be "fixed". At the time, I couldn't see how out of control everything was and I thought I could fix it. All. By myself.

Ha!

Thankful for - Family! My Dad,Elijah, Mom, Christopher, my cousins, my strong uncles and loving aunts.

My FRIENDS!!!

Also, one of my dear friends is moving back to Portland and I am so excited.

Yes, I still look at my future and fear the unknown. I still think about him daily. I think about the kids, the dogs, my in-law family.

But, it's getting easier every day.

I think i'm coming back.

I'm.....honored.

My handmade magnets are now being featured at Coffee's On, a little coffee shop in a major towncenter in Gresham.

The owner was very nice, and is even going to put them up by the register, a major selling spot!

I feel so blessed.

Portland is too small

Running into him on a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon where the two of you used to hang out - devastating.