Infertility ramblings

L-my Husband
IF-infertility
b/g-background

We're still waiting to hear from someone. Its been weeks since we got a letter and a call regarding passing our b/g check. During those weeks, we had L's kids, attended some good family gatherings, and spent time with friends.
L works full time. I was laid off earlier this year, and since then, discovered that being a full time mom in any capacity is truly my main goal. I will go back to work one day. I will attend school soon. Right now, I am a housewife to myself, my husband and 3 dogs.

Last night my Brother stopped by with his girlfriends son. It was nice to have him in the kids' room, playing and watching Tom and Jerry in there. All 3 dogs were even in there with him.

After both ovarian cancer surgeries were done, a year apart, I was 21 years old. The thought of never having kids hardly penetrated me at all. I was living in downtown Portland with my best friend Anna at the time. We were partying a lot with another friend, Karlee, and kids were the furthest things from our minds. The 3 of us were unstoppable. We were YOUNG! We were the reverse oreo trio. Anna was the leggy blonde, I was the busty token black girl, Karlee was the earthy brunette who favors Sandra Bullock to this day. My friend Monica, who is 20 years older, was the only honest person who said, "Infertility is going to become more painful as you age." A few months later, Anna was pregnant, disbanding the trio, sparking the first twinge of emotional pain from IF.

A couple years later, I moved to NY on a whim and lived with a longtime friend. Those 2 years were amazing and kids were not thought about. At all. Not even once. Until I met a guy who asked me on our 2nd date, "What man is going to marry a woman who can't give him a child?"

The douche had a point. I hadn't thought of that until that moment. Thanks, idiot. Enter-more IF pain.

When I met L in 2005, he awakened a desire to be married and to have a family. His love and affection for his kids are one of the many things that attracted me to him. His acceptance of me FOR ME, was refreshing and overwhelming. When we started to settle down together, started to talk marriage and family, in rushed a new emotion/experience I had never understood or even know I wanted...

MOTHERHOOD!!! (Dun dun dunnnnnnn)

And here we are today. Motherhood consumes my every thought. Being 31 and in menopause due to removal of ovaries, means biologically, my body is telling me "its too late". The desire is growing stronger each day. And the emotional pain......ugh.

On a side note, Karlee and her hubs just welcomed a baby girl. She's a preemie, and it sounds like she's a fighter! ;) Keep the 3 in your prayers please.

flu and blue.

Woe is me, lately. What a great time to blog, since I can't get out of bed. Yay flu.

I trust in God, I love Him. I am realizing, though, faith can be hard. Believe and Let Go.....honestly, that's what I am working on right now.

Is it just me, or is everyone pregnant right now? 5 of my Facebook friends, and about 3 blogs I faithfully stalk. I know, that sounded lame, but it is what it is, people. My friend D says, "So, defriend them all. You don't need this." I understand what she means. She doesn't want me to suffer. Infertility is painful. I'm 31 and have been infertile for 12 years. 12 years of "we have exciting news!", baby showers, birth announcements, birthday parties, blah blah blah. So defriending them would not make life better for me. This is life. Life produces life, live moves and builds and thrives, life ends.

What I need to cling to during these times is my God. I cry, pray, read. I spend time with family and friends. I make cards, work on the adoption lifebook. And when his ex is not being cold hearted, we have his kids:)

We had them this weekend and it was low key and amazing. We debuted their new rooms. The younger 2 share now. We put their beds side by side, painted the room grey, and loaded the room with lots of color and artwork. It's awesome!

M loved having her own room here. When she opened the door she was silent. She just stood therean then I heard a tiny....."wow". We left her alone in her turqoise room. About 10 minutes later she comes out...."Kristin, did you paint and decorate this just for me?" Me, "Yep. You're my girl." For 2 days she was in there,jammin to a boombox I found at Goodwill, laying on the white bed I found on craigslist, looking at her tree, owl and bird scene that covers an entire wall. She loved her porcelain horse lamp that I spray painted white and got a cool white square lampshade. She noticed everything and was in love. Well worth the wait to see her, A and J.